Now at a Middle School Near You: Cash for Grades

I was going through the last two issues of my local paper, The News and Observer, (I’m not being twee and leaving out the city name, it’s just The News and Observer; I live outside of Raleigh, NC) and read a front page story, by Lynn Bonner, that describes the new fund raising operation at Goldsboro’s Rosewood Middle School: cash for grades.  For twenty dollars, students can buy twenty test points, to be used ten points at a time, on any two tests.  This scheme, suggested by the parent advisory council and endorsed by the principal, is intended to replace last year’s failed chocolate fund-raiser.

The second-tier donation, at thirty dollars, includes the test points and admission to a dance, held during school hours.  The top-tier, a mere sixty dollars, includes the points, the dance (did I mention it was during school hours) and a plus-one invitation to a lunchtime pizza party.

Maybe the rich kids will invite the poor kids to be their plus-ones.  Those kids hang out together right?  No?  That’s OK… the poor kids aren’t going to the dance anyway, those no-dance going losers.  Maybe the kids who get bad grades will invite the ones who get good grades?  Unlikely.  That’s OK too.  Sure it’s the kids with bad grades who need the extra class time but at least the kids who like to study will have more quality time with their teachers.  Think of how much you can get done without the slower kids around, asking all of those dumb questions.  There is good news for the slow kids though.   They have twenty test points to use that will help make up for the class time lost dancing.

Also for sale: photos with school principal Susie Shepherd and members of the faculty… a paltry seventy-five bucks.  On the off chance a parent from Goldsboro’s Rosewood Middle will ever read this, I’m going to make an offer.   I’ll pick up half of the price of one of those pictures.  I’ll pay $37.50 (sent to you in an Amazon gift card) to the first, and only the first, person to send me their glamour shot with the faculty.  The photo has to be of you and your child with Susie Shepherd.  I’ll post it on the site with your name and any comment you’d like to make… even if you just want to scold me for trashing your fund raising program.  I’ll post as many as I receive (if I get three it will mean the traffic on this site has tripled), including comments, but I’m only paying for the first one in my email box.  Email your pic to jack@constantinconstant.com and tell me where to send the card.  I’ll throw in ten extra bucks if you’re doing something obnoxious in the picture.

I have a fund raising suggestion Principal Shepherd.  Parents donate twenty dollars and a member of the faculty will spend an extra hour after school with their child helping them to learn enough to score ten points higher on their next test.  Simple.