Kids, it’s time for a rant. Fair warning: F bombs ahead. So get this. I was flipping through the news channels this morning, as I am wont to do, and came across a discussion about stimulating the economy on Morning Joe. I like Morning Joe. I like the variety of perspectives and I even like Mika when she isn’t being superior about everything, which granted, isn’t often. Seriously Mika, do us all a favor and eat a fucking doughnut already. Anyway, Joe Scarborough was talking to a chubby old white guy (settle down, I’m a chubby old white guy too) who I think may be a member of Congress. This dude was saying that in order to stimulate the economy President Obama should cut taxes (surprise), put off implementing health care reform for three years and promise not to raise taxes or increase regulation for three years. Now, these are not new arguments. Lowering taxes has been the right’s answer to every domestic problem since Reagan started dying his hair. And I like the idea of free markets too, except I can remember as far back as October of ’08. That deregulation utterly failed apparently has impressed no one in the Republican Party. As for the health care thing… well… it passed and is getting more popular every day. Get over it. Ok, but here’s what blew me away. Old Pastyjowls went on to explain that there is a lot of unused capital lying around in this country and you can’t expect the people who possess this capital to use some of it to stimulate the economy unless they are given some incentive.
Maybe I’ve been naïve. Maybe I’m a moron. I don’t know. Isn’t money sitting around in giant piles indistinguishable from firewood? Money at rest is money wasted. If you aren’t growing, you’re failing, right? Isn’t that business? So now this guy is telling me that, in order to make rich people richer, I have to BRIBE them with tax cuts and deregulation first? Go fuck yourself chubby white dude, and all of your billionaire friends too.
I shouldn’t have to pay you (or pay you off) to manufacture goods that you are going to sell back to me at a huge profit. I shouldn’t have to pay you to haphazardly drill for oil that you are going to gouge me for at the first opportunity. I shouldn’t have to pay you to grow your business. Don’t you think you should earn your golden parachute? No? I do. Because right now, instead of earning that ridiculous compensation package, you’re stealing it from me, from all of us, and paying congressmen to make it legal. It’s corporate welfare at best, and I know what you think of welfare, you bootstrap loving sons of bitches. Remember Grandpa Ronnie and welfare Cadillac Queens? Well congratulations! You are our billionaire Bentley Barons.
How many billions do you need anyway? The reason we all put up with your bullshit over the last thirty years is we thought you were making us richer too. Sure, you have more money than some small, industrialized western nations, but at least I’m going to be able to retire comfortably when I’m 65; 60 if I work hard enough and plan well. Except, again, I remember October ’08, when all of our middle class wealth was sucked into the black hole created by your inventive accounting practices and intricate investment schemes.
Have I said fuck you lately? No? Fuck you; for my father’s retirement condo that sold for half what it had been worth two years earlier; for my mother’s IRA account, cut in half while McCain told us how strong our economy is; for trading the security of my wife’s pension for a 401k that’s tied to a market in utter turmoil; for trying to privatize Social Security. Can you imagine the state we’d be in if that scheme had worked? Fuck you for thinking that nine zeros aren’t enough. And you know what else? Fuck you for fooling us into envying you; for making us believe you’re important; for tricking us into thinking you’re doing us a favor by getting richer.
And fuck me for being stupid enough to believe that you were invested in the future of this country; in the lives and liberties of its citizens or in the pursuit of anyone’s happiness but your own.
And now, here’s Cee Lo Green with a similar sentiment. Enjoy.
Jack Bronn was born in Illinois, raised in Florida, misses his home in New Hampshire, dreams of living in New York, and resides with his wife and son in North Carolina. He writes.