I decided not to write an essay about the TSA. Having done some research and listened to public opinion, I have come to the conclusion that people prefer to be afraid. In the minds of Americans, personal security outweighs human dignity. We no longer have to worry about FDR’s fear itself; fear has won its place in our society, and has been hired to confiscate your fingernail clippers, pat down your grandmothers, and take comic book x-ray spec photographs of your genitals.
Somewhere, two guys with a beards are sitting in a cave laughing about how the most powerful nation in the world is quivering in fear as a result of the Underpants Bomber.
“Dude, can you believe this? The kid who tried to light his underpants did this. They’re going to ruin everyone’s Thanksgiving because of the underpants guy.”
“I know, right? I mean… that was never gonna work. You can’t seriously think you can set fire to your underpants on an airplane and no one will notice. Honestly dude, the idiot with the explosive shoes had a better shot.”
“Yeah, that was a good one too. Nooo… no ones going to notice you lighting some matches on a jetliner and then sit by while you try and set your foot on fire. What an idiot.”
“No kidding, brah. But look – we don’t have to succeed to get results. We can send in the C-team to try and light their jockstraps by rubbing two sticks together and the TSA would ban toothpicks,
wooden teeth and anyone who’s ever been witnessed eating Chinese food, playing the drums, or eating a chicken leg. It’s awesome.”
“Oh dude, that’s genius! We should totally try that!”
“Yeah, maybe at Easter. Then we can get anyone wearing a wooden cross put on the no-fly list. It’s two sticks, dude… it totally counts.”
“You are so my hero, dude. That idea is going to earn you a few extra virgins in paradise, brah.”
“Right? Respect the skills, yo. Be afraid, be very afraid.”
“In space, no one can hear you scream.”
“Dude, what?
“Oh… sorry dude. I thought we were playing the movie quote game.”
“Dude. It’s from The Fly. Fear… fly… get it? Never mind, dude.”
Lightning is dangerous. During a thunderstorm, most people are smart enough to get out of the rain. But sometimes lighting does funny things. It burns houses down, it strikes people standing too close to windows… there are even stories about people being hit while talking on the phone during a thunderstorm. So, why then don’t we build big, lightning proof underground bunkers where we we can hide from the deadly electricity that is so clearly out to get us? Why, because that would just be silly… a gross overreaction. But no worse than the video I saw of a five-year-old child being patted down by a TSA agent; no worse than asking that woman I saw on the news – the cancer survivor – to remove her prosthetic breast.
I will not sacrifice my dignity for your fear. I will not surrender my liberty to your sense of self preservation. I will not live in a police state. Next, someone will suggest that it’s acceptable to search people in the airport parking lot. After that, why not the Airport Marriott? Before long, federal highways will be secure transportation zones, subject to the same rules as airports. How long will it be before your home is open to search as soon as you buy an airline ticket? How long until applying for a passport becomes probable cause? How long will it be before any law enforcement agent, at any time, can search me because I was “randomly selected?” How long before I move to Canada?
We get the government we deserve.
I guess I decided to write a little about the TSA after all. Happy Thanksgiving.
Jack Bronn was born in Illinois, raised in Florida, misses his home in New Hampshire, dreams of living in New York, and resides with his wife and son in North Carolina. He writes.